People got problems, yo. And at Another-Day, we’re all about solutions. That’s why we searched the whole internet (that’s a lot of porn, folks) to track down two experts in the fields of life and love. Ladies & Gentlemen, prepare to meet the answer to your problems.
Dear Doctors
So I’m not really into grand gestures of love, I’m a simple kinda guy. So when I say “I love you” it means something. But it is never enough for my girl. She always wants more, more than I can give. I’m trying to think of grand gestures, but I’m coming up dry. I tried the other night. I stood outside her bedroom window, then with my laptop over my head started playing “No More Lonely Nights” by Paul McCartney. You know how that went… So guys I could really use some help with this.
I don’t wanna lose her, please give me some ideas?
Needs Some Tips
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First up, sport, if you’ve got a computer problem, you’ve come to the wrong place. Even if I wanted to help you, I’m not entirely sure what the problem with your lappy is, other than your taste in music. Which is gahbage. The least you could do is give me the specs!
“I’m a simple kinda guy”? Come now! Don’t sell yourself short. You’re the simplest kinda guy! Standing with a laptop above your head playing Paul McCartney? You’re operating on a level of studied platitudes so contrived that you’re either lobotomised or Eastern European.
One thing I can say, chief, is that you’re definitely white. I’m going to have to close my eyes, stare into the abyss and use my powers of imagination to get a picture of the two of you…
I see two sexless, amorphous wastes of flesh and vintage clothing, lounging around on your parents’ dime, weighing the pros & cons of upgrading your iPads, inhaling each other’s farts… Close?
Tell you what there, squire: I’m not going to give you advice on this one. Don’t see the point, really, as my advice would be to kill yourself today, preventing the horror show that would be the two of you breeding. Nope. I’m offering to come over to your house and cut your cock off FER FREE! She’s already done it to you metaphorically and, in my professional opinion, there’s no going back once that’s happened.
Sincerely,
Dr. Matt Thornton
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Dear Needs Some Tips,
First off, let me state that chivalry is dead. It’s been dead for decades so you are seriously wasting your time with this girl! I know this is slightly off topic, but I need to get this off my chest… Disney movies have ruined any chance of love modern society has! Princes and princesses are a thing of the past and so are grand gestures. If your girlfriend has a favorite Disney princess, or can name a Disney princess for that matter, you are fucked. She will have a hideously warped perception of love and what it means… By the sounds of things this girl you’re with can name every fucking princess Disney ever created and I feel sorry for you!
Right. Now that that’s out the way, I am here to give advice so here are a few things I came up with:
1. Buy a strap on. Letting your girlfriend bum rush you will bring you guys so close together. I mean there’s nothing more intimate then letting yourself be subdued by a clearly overpowering girlfriend. (*take notes from last week’s anal discussion)
2. Cut off your balls. You can pickle them and decorate them in a lovely jar. You’ve basically given them to her anyway and this will just be the physical gesture your relationship needs.
3. Poon dust. Now this one I can’t actually take credit for; my assistant Andile is the one who owns the copyright. When embraced in the throngs of passion we all know that sexual juices are created, so what you have to do is allow these juices – which will obviously be a mixture of both your own and your girl’s – to trickle down your girl’s leg. Then allow to dry. Get the hairdryer out to speed up the process if necessary! Once dry, you scrape said juices onto a clean surface, cut it into lines and snort it. The snorting can obviously be done by just you. You know, to really show your dedication! Simple!? Now I implore any person to find a grander gesture than this???
Yes, that is how I’m going to end this week’s advice… Let that sink in!
Yours in QUIT BEING A BITCH!
Dr. Love ‘n Stuff
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If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can stomach brutal honesty (and more poon dust), email your issue to [email protected] and get your life solved.