by Nancy Kim Li
Our usual fashion writer, Marie Claire‘s Kelly Fung, is lank busy this week, so our good friend Nancy Kim Li will be filling in for her. You might think it’s racist how we’re using one Asian to replace another, but that’s only cos you’re obviously a racist. Nancy has her guide to the ugliest shoes I have ever seen. Most of them, man, I can’t even believe got made at all.
Read on!
THE FUGLY BUMPS
Kayne West designed these with Guiseppe Zanotti, and Kim Kardashian bought a pair at $6000 (wowee!). The three of them most likely didn’t know that their shoes look like a Chinese vegetable called the bittermelon (yum). They also remind me of the Cardassians from Star Trek, most famous for their bumpy facial skin.
THE HOLE
Quick, Jerry! Hide here! No really. If you wear these shoes (sies if you do), make sure you check for rats living in there. Be sure to clean them regularly and remove all the rat shit and bits of left over cheese.
WTF IS THIS?
I’m Adidas’ biggest fan. But what happened to these KOBE sneakers? It looks like they’ve injected botox into them? Adidas should feel ashamed.
THE FUGLY CAKE
For R7000, you get FIVE layers of varying foam and straw all stacked nicely into a cake-like shoe. I was very surprised to hear that this was designed by Prada, who are known for their elegance and stature. I don’t quite understand what happened here.
ULTIMATE HYBRID SHOE-DISHWASHER
My superiors always tell me to think out of the box and connect two unlikely things together. But nothing quite comes close to this: a heel that’s actually a hybrid of a badminton shuttlecock and steelwool.
PIMPLED
Designed by MadFoot as part of the Godzilla range. I’m busy playing Plaque, Inc at the moment. It’s a great game where you create your own disease. When I look at this design I just think it’s infected.
BUFFALOS
Remember these? Us 90’s kids, We have come a long way from the Heartland of Tacky Platforms. I’d like them to be buried with me when I die. The Buffalo shoes, by all means, the best example of the power of marketing.
AND THE UGLIEST OF THEM ALL…
Have you ever seen how a snake’s body bulges when it swallows an egg?
Thanks, Nancy Kim! Kelly Fung will be back next week with Part 2 of her A-Z Guide to International Fashion Labels & Designers. You can check out Part 1 here.