Nas: In space, no one can hear you scream. More importantly though, should you be screaming at all? When me and some friends sat down to watch Alien and (God, we wished we hadn’t, but) Aliens again last Sunday, we identified a pretty obvious pattern that leads to all this space-screaming: spaceship crews make really stupid decisions! This is where Jordan came up with his infallible theory on how to deal with the problem; a problem he likes to call “#spacesuicide“.
Here’s a look at some classic sci-fi film examples of Space Suicide, and a brief explanation of how Space Cadet Jordan would deal with this ish.
Captain Jordan: First off, I’m no cadet, I’m the fucken Captain! I’ve lived all these experiences before, you see. I was brought by time travelers from the future into the new space era to teach them how to survive with the almighty power of common sense. Now, if you’re wondering why it’s called ”#spacesuicide” it’s because you do something that is practically the same as throwing yourself off a building or hanging yourself.
Need an example?
Fucking around with space eggs: you find a space egg, but you dont find it in the space hospital or on a friendly alien planet. You find it in a dark cavernous temple. So what do you do next? You fuck around with it and a strange creature attacks you. If you’re lucky, it kills you instantly. OR it breeds more of its horrendous kind in your belly! “How can this be avoided?” you ask. Well, Dr. “I’m a scientist with a thirst for knowledge and no longer have the will to live”, pretty easily: DONT BE A FUCKEN DUMBASS! LEAVE! Get the eff onto your spaceship and GTFO! Fuck science! it will get you killed every time.
But what’s more important here is that you have committed ”#spacesuicide“. You did something that will kill you and, more than likely, the rest of the crew. So what’s the solution, you ask? What would you do, Captain Koen? Good Question. I’d leave you there to die… Yep. Fuck you, you aren’t bringing no space monster on my ship. Now you may think I’m being cruel here. Guess what? Fuck you! I’m not here to be a hero or a savior. I’m here to keep a starship and the lives of your fellow crewmates safe from morons like you! No one may like me for leaving behind or killing hot scientist Sally, but they sure as will be alive to hate me the next morning. So now that you’ve go the gist of it, I’m gonna lay down a few scenarios and solutions for ”#spacesuicide” situations. Most involve me ejecting you from an airlock.
There are so many ways to commit ”#spacesuicide” that this would be a very long post so I’ve narrowed it down to the root of where all the basic mistakes are made. And one film demonstrates them oh so neatly.
Alien
“Oh hey! Something killed this giant alien. Let’s go find it!”
This is the granddaddy of examples on how to commit ”#spacesuicide“. From this movie stems all the base ideas on how to survive in space. In this film these morons commit just about all the “#spacesuicide” examples and deserve every death that happens. Bear with me, cos this is a long list, guys.
First off: Answering a distress call that tells you “DO NOT COME HERE” and then landing there. This one is easily avoided. Listen to the message. DON’T LAND! Wow, that’s not hard. If someone is warning you they aren’t doing it for shits and giggles. Maybe they are, but fuck taking that chance! If one of your crew members pipes up and makes the suggestion of landing and investigating, turn and point at the airlock.
Number Two: Somehow you ended up on the planet anyway, maybe because you had to land for repairs or the company paying you forced you. Now that you’ve arrived it is clear that this planet is a hellhole abomination and the only life that crawled out of the primordial ooze will undoubtedly piss acid and crave human flesh. “Heck! Let’s go outside and explore anyway!” YOU DUMBASS MOTHER!!! Don’t get off the ship. Fix it right then and now! If you have to send someone outside to fix it, make sure he had his last supper, cos chances are good he ain’t coming back. Fuck the company, fuck science and fuck going outside!
Mmmmm this looks like a great spot for a picnic
Three: You went outside anyway and found a broken down spaceship with dead giant aliens and, of course, green Easter eggs inside. Well I explained this above already. It goes badly. Don’t be an asshole. Fuck the Easter eggs, just leave.
Four: Some bleeding heart or fucking android let the dumbass scientist with the alien attached to his face back into the ship. First, if you can prevent them from getting back onto the ship, do it. Don’t listen to the pleading bleeding hearts. Those fuckers are dead already. But you couldn’t stop it and now these hapless fucktards are on your ship with their gestating alien-filled bodies? Guess what, guys, it’s your lucky day because, in the future, in 2069, I declared that all med bays of ships would be completely ejectable from the rest of the ship! Baffled, the interstellar community asked me why. “Why, Jordan? Why would you want to be able to eject the med bay…?” For this very reason: eject that fucker with the alien on his face right off the ship! He’ll beg and plead, tell you how he is different (as we all know, you are never different). Smile. Lock the doors to the med bay and eject that bitch.
Should have ejected your dumb Scientist ass
Five: God, it came to this. Personally, around this time I’d put myself in an escape pod and leave you morons to fend for yourselves. But hey, maybe I really like you so… the impregnated bastards chest bursts open and reveals Lucifer himself. The little cunt stares you and the rest of the crew down, letting you know just how fucked you are. Hopefully you would have been wise and put either a stereotypical big black guy on your ship or a crazy white bitch who will attempt to kill the creature right then and now. DON’T TRY AND STOP THEM. LET THEM STAB IT RIGHT THEN AND THERE! Kill that little despair-bringer NOW! Don’t let it escape and, if it does, gather the crew, set the self-destruct and leave.
Fuck the ship! Fuck little Lucifer! Leave!
Six: Jesus, did I die? You’re still on the ship? Fuck. The fucking Alien is loose on your ship and you somehow have the mind of a Lemming: “LET’S CATCH THAT THING”. God, you pathetic fools, this is ”#spacesuicide” at its best. Fine. We got this far. Let’s to this. First, NEVER SPLIT UP!!!! NEVER!!!!! What a horrible plan. You need to stick together. When someone asks you to go down that dark corridor or confined space all by yourself, you stand your ground and tell them to fuck right off. Don’t do it. And if you have to go, go in teams of three. Fuck going alone. Fuck dark corridors. Why are they dark? if they had followed my notes about space safety, they would know that all ships are to be fully lit at all times. If the lights are off? FUCK THAT ROOM!
If someone goes off by themselves into a room or down a corridor, wave bye cos all he is doing is giving you guys more time to get the fuck out.
Hide Yo Kidz
So you’ve stuck together and its going okay. LOCK AND LOAD. Get guns, knives, spoons and cats in hand. Find the creature together and pray you’re not the one it attacks first. Cos while it’s attacking, the rest of the crew need to kill that fucker! Sorry you died but the rest of the crew will make it. MAKE SURE IT’S DEAD NOW. And by that I mean don’t poke or check if it’s breathing. Empty two more clips into it, stab it some more and set that fucker on fire! Then, after watching it’s char-grilled corpse for an hour, and if it hasn’t moved, SHOOT IT AGAIN!!!
Now that we’re sure that it is dead, we push that fuck into the airlock and blow it away.
But in case that wasn’t enough. Here are some more.
Event Horizon
This room seems safe, I wonder what those spikes are for?
A ship comes back from Hell… A what? A ship… comes back… from Hell and you wanna get on it? Okay. Get on it. I have no advice whatsoever. The human race is better off without you. I’ll just put you in the airlock where you belong.
Aliens/Pitch Black
I’m just gonna follow this guy
Your on a planet thats infested by god forsaken alien hordes wanting to play marbles with your testicles and eyeballs. STOP! FOLLOW THE NORMAL RULES of ”#spacesuicide“. But also find either the badass woman with the 80′s haircut toting a flamethrower, or the bald muscular guy who has silver eyes. Now stick to them like glue. Listen to them! Don’t fuck around here. When the 80′s woman tells you that she’s not crazy and that the aliens are real and they are gonna fuck you so hard that your great granddad is gonna get a tingle down his spine in the womb, you listen! Those soldiers and bounty hunters all would have survived if they had just listened to them. I mean, yes, “Silver Eyes” would probably kill you later for putting him on a prison ship earlier, but rather him than good old acid lips.
Star Trek
Oh red shirt
If you wear a red shirt and are on the crew of any ship in the Federation’s USS fleet, just take it off and leave. YOU WILL DIE! It has been proven countless times over the years. It is ”#spacesuicide” to wear red on any starship or space ship called The Enterprise. TRUST ME!
So to sum up: If you do stupid shit in space it’s deemed ”#spacesuicide“. When you commit ”#spacesuicide“, the rest of the crew has the full right to ram you into an airlock and eject your useless waste of life into space. Why? Because the lives of many outweigh those of the few. If I got face-hugged, eject me. If I went down a dark corridor, leave me. If I get off the ship on a dodgy planet, maroon me.
Have you got the gist of it? Or do I have to show you to the airlock?
