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Dear Doctors
I recently won a trip for a boat cruise for myself and 5 friends. This is one of those booze cruises over a couple of days that go to exotic islands n stuff. It’s going to be the party of a lifetime! Now here’s the thing: I’m a popular guy with a lot of friends. I don’t know who to choose and even worse, how to break it to those who HAVEN’T been chosen to come with me. I hate it when people tune me: “Oh, thanks for the invite” because I feel really guilty afterwards. I value my friendships and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
What do?
Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’
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Dear Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’
Stop being oversensitive. What are you, on your period? I suggest some cranberry juice, I hear that helps. As you have stated, you have just won the party week of a lifetime and you only need to worry about three things when it comes to the friends you wanna take: You have to choose the wildest, most alcoholic and drug-taking friends you have. It doesn’t matter if they are single or not, as long as they will be there when you decide that mutiny is the only option, punch the Captain and take control of his vessel.
Yes, you might have other good friends, but if they are gonna sit there on this cruise reading Hemingway and building puzzles, they will be of no help to you whatsoever.
And when it comes to those guys who give you the “Oh, thanks for the invite!”, simply give them the finger. If they were truly your friends they wouldn’t be giving you shit in the first place, they’d be amped for you winning this competition and push you to have the best time so they could hear the stories and see the photos when you get back!
Good luck with that period. Hope it’s done before you go on your trip!
Yours in piracy ARRRRR,
Dr. Love ‘n Stuff
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Dear Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’
This is beyond the stratosphere of 1st world problems. This is exactly the kind of reason I refuse to watch Entourage. Wah wah wah, Vinny got me a Maserati but I wanted a Vintage Porsche Speedster, so I can go as James Dean to Hefner’s House for Halloween.
“Shut the fuck up, Turtle!!!”
I demand we get real names and addresses before we answer any more questions, so I can personally come over to your house, Human Centipede you and your friends together, and feed y’all KFC Mash and Gravy for a year, you bunch of dimwitted fucktards.
How do you expect me to answer this question seriously, you mouth breathing dick-hole? I hope your captain is Greek, with a penchant for insurance fraud, you piece of dried-white dog turd.
You don’t even say what you want!
Do you want to rule the roost at Charades? Take the 5 homosexual friends you don’t have.
Do you want to meet a mermaid? Take 5 Tom Hanks.
Do you want to get drunk and no girls? Take Eric, Jackoff Jeff, Boner, Homo-Dustin and Black Eric.
Do you wanna kill at shuffleboard? Take your Grand-Pappies and Mi Moo Mas and Uncle Jim who touched you during Noot vir Noot every 2nd Saturday.
Do you want girls? Take 5 Somali refugee kids, claim some Reach for a Dream shit, lighties will be in bed by 8pm, and you’ll be beating the cooz off with an oar from a life boat.
Whatever you do, don’t take your friends. They deserve better.
Fuck. You.
Dr. Matt Thornton