Throwback Thursday: The Haunting Of Backstreet Mansion

It’s quite complicated to explain why I chose the Backstreet Boys as this week’s Throwback Thursday, but I’ll boil it down to this: I saw a movie that you will only be able to see in October, and this song was in it. Ok. Not so complicated. Anyway, you may remember how, back in 1998, the Boys made their debut with this single that, for some reason, heralded their return. I did a little digging and discovered why that was, so prepare yourself for the Universal Monster gags of Everybody (Backstreet’s Back).

So why are these guys singing about their return even though we’ve just met them? Well, apparently Backstreet’s Back is actually their second international album, but their first released in the US. In fact, when their album was originally released, Everybody wasn’t on it, because record execs thought it would be confusing for new listeners. That’s pretty weird when you consider what mega-stars these guys became off the strength of this single alone, which is, I guess, why they decided to just let it slide and shoot this absolutely insane music video for the song and release it anyway.

Seriously, this thing is straight-up batshit crazy insane! It’s a mash-up of all the Universal monster movies, with the Backstreet Boys playing the roles of each of the studio’s famous monsters: The Mummy, the Wolfman, Count Dracula, Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, and the Phantom of the Opera (ok, so not necessarily a Universal monster but I guess they ran out of good ones so they went the Andrew Lloyd Weber route). This whole idea seems like some weird half-baked attempt at mashing up MJ’s classic Thriller with the set of the Casper house, which sounds like something a group of kids might come up with.

As it turns out, that’s exactly what it is. The record label actually thought the idea was silly, that the budget required to shoot it was too high, and that MTV wouldn’t respect the video. If you consider that MTV played this thing to absolute death when I was a kid, I think you’ll agree that this was indirectly the beginning of the end for the channel. Yep, I’m pretty sure you can trace a straight line from this video to Jersey Shore. Thanks, Backstreet Boys. The guys actually took the initiative to fund this mega-beast themselves, which is insane, and then had to fight with the label to get refunded when it did really well.

Now everyone knows the basic story here, right? The Boys’ bus breaks down for what Nick assures us is the second time already. This time, however, it breaks down right outside the house from the movie Casper (no, really) and this strands the boys, in their best oversized clothing, in a place only Bill Pullman could call home. Fucking Maine.

Despite that being enough to scare off most teenage boys, the Backstreet variation seize the opportunity to pass out all over the dirty place. I guess it was the 90s and Pullman still had some cred from his stint at the President in Independence Day, right?

We all know where this goes. Brian has a weird dream where he finds Rigour Rabbit in his bed. His scream leads to a dance sequence in the front hall, where everybody’s dressed like it’s 1899, and the boys themselves get individual scenes where they’ve become monsters. As expected from the weirdest member of the Backstreet Boys, AJ does pretty much the best job at being in character as the Phantom of the Opera, looking creepy and stalkerish, which is totally the traditional Lloyd Weber MO.

As someone who’s quite a big fan of horror movies, I have to say that this is still probably one of the least terrifying examples of a haunting at a house. After all, a haunting is all about an increasing threat level. First the ghost shakes furniture and knocks on things, then it starts moaning and moving objects around, and then it drags you screaming from your bed and to your doom. That is the standard routine before the Native American burial ground opens up and just straight-up swallows your house and your youngest child sings a lullaby while his eyes flash, right?

Not this time. If anything, the Backstreet Boys’ haunting would be beneficial for your home. I mean, each of the monsters stays contained to their own room. Brian does a little leaping around but that’s just gonna be like having a really excitable puppy, right? Nick basically stays in his tomb. Howie performs in front of a fan like he’s Tamara Dey or something. Kevin spends his time observing his own reflection. Fuckit, you guys, AJ even prepares fucking dinner! And then, if that isn’t enough, an army of supermodels and dancers shows up in your foyer and just hangs out, looking serious. This isn’t a haunting! It’s a fucking free show! And you know how much I love free shit, right?

But I know what you’re gonna say: “Nas, this isn’t a haunting. It was a nightmare. That’s why they’re all fine at the end and freaked out by the dream, right? There is no dark warning from an evil poltergeist, right?”…? Right? Well, yeah, ok, I’ll agree with you. Except for the part where they arrive at the front door and the bus driver is waiting for them with the steering wheel in hand and boils all over his face. Clearly this is the part that’s meant to be a warning, and that warning is simple: Do Not Break Down In Fucking Maine, you guys!