‘Uhuru’ – The Night Of The Long Knives Is Almost Upon Us

 

You may have heard rumors of a “Night of the Long Knives” that is on its way to wipe out all white South Africans on the day Madiba dies, but maybe you haven’t. In the interest of education (and, you know, protecting you), we thought we’d put together this handy explanation of what it’s all about. Let’s preface this whole conversation with a brief history of where the term “Night of the Long Knives” comes from, shall we?

The Night of the Long Knives, or in the language of its origin (German) Röhm-Putsch, was an assassination of all the then-German Fuhrer Adolf Hitler’s (you may’ve heard of him) political rivals and detractors. These politically motivated murders took place over the course of three days and, at the end of it all, Hitler stood triumphant as the unquestionable leader of the German people. It’s estimated that at least 85 people were killed and thousands of perceived opponents were hurled into prisons. This massacre cemented Hitler as judge, jury and executioner; an infallible leader of his people. According to him anyway. Douchebag.

So with the dreary history lesson out the way but also on your mind, let’s fast-forward to the here and now. With the health of ailing former President Nelson Mandela waning, the nation and the world are faced with the harsh reality that the 94-year-old Nobel Prize winner and first democratic leader of South Africa will pass away at some stage. Understandably, this realization has been met with a number of mixed emotions from people, young and old, black and white, rich and poor.

This brings us to the most preposterous thing I’ve heard since Donald Trump hinted he may run for presidency in the US, and almost as completely laughable too. The conspiracy theory goes something like this: “when that Mandela guy croaks, the blacks are coming to get us”.

Now if I’d heard this tidbit from just one ignorant person, I’d have brushed it off without a second thought and move on with my life. Alas, I could not, because you see this comment wasn’t limited to just one person I could write off as a complete ignoramus. As a black person myself, I can assure you that we blacks haven’t been meeting in clandestine conclaves to discuss anyone’s imminent deaths or mass destruction. Let’s just apply some good old fashioned logic to this entire situation, alright?

In early 2007, fanatic right-wing members of an organization named Suiderlanders circulated a hoax email and DVD purporting that Madiba’s death would bring about the apocalypse and function as the signal for all black South Africans to take up arms, pangas and any other pointy objects, to indiscriminately massacre all the white people in the country. Uncle Ruckus would turn in his grave at the very thought.

Now the problem here (as always) is ignorance. And ignorance has a voracious appetite when fed it’s favourite dish: fear. Put the fear of God into people and all logic goes by the wayside.

According to the Suiderlanders, approximately 70,000 swartemense would form the first wave of attack against white people. In their hoax email, these black men would travel via mini bus taxi through town and lay waste to any light-skinned individuals.

South African Skeptics explained the logistics of the plan’s execution:

“At an average of 14 people plus weapons per taxi, that’s 5,000 taxis. That, in turn, is a single-file line about 25 km long. Not impossible, of course, especially if the infiltration is spread out over several hours, but highly unlikely that they should get through largely undetected.”

Now if you’ll recall, Hitler’s “Night of the Long Knives” was an assassination of key individuals – rivals of the Fuhrer – and these murders were carried out in relative secret. Now I don’t know about you, but I think a 25 km-long convoy of taxis filled with belligerent black men would be quite difficult to miss, no? There goes the all important element of surprise. Also, you know, we blacks are awfully bad at planning and keeping time. How would we coordinate that many people?

There’s something else to consider though. Think about the scale of this thing. South African media have yet to find any evidence of a cover-up that spans multiple government departments, police services, the military and judicial systems. Last I checked, being a whistle-blower a la Edward Snowden is pretty hot right now. Why then has no information about this leaked to news outlets? Not one shred of evidence in the official media but the crazy ring-wingers have managed to research and produce a whole stack of info about it? This is the best kept secret since Ricky Martin’s years in the closet.

And yet there are people who buy this half-baked theory. Although they’re probably the same folks you could convince that the Earth is still flat.

But we all know this is illogical. I’m more interested in WHY these rumours perpetuate. What would even be the point of spreading them? Simply put. The goals here could be to create chaos. Remember that braintrust otherwise known as the Boeremag? This was totally in their wheelhouse. Another goal could be simply to divide everyone. Like Alfred says in The Dark Knight, “some men just want to see the world burn”.

Really, The Twilight Saga is more believable than this cockamamie conspiracy theory that so many people ask me about. Honestly, respect yourselves enough to think for yourselves. If you can’t do that, then respect the strides this beautiful country has made to get where it is right now. To feed into this frenzy (as some like Steve Hofmeyr do) not only insults every person you ask about it, but also the memory and legacy of the men and women who fought for all of our joint freedom and equality as a people. Don’t taint that legacy with the stain of stupidity. It’s a mark that doesn’t easily wash off.

Besides, if rumours of the Uhuru (the Swahili word for “freedom”) or Night of the Long Knives had any semblance of truth to them, trust me when I say this, you’d never see us coming. Jokes. Not really. No. Really.