The Christowitz Report: My Tits & More Things that Grate them

No one can hate quite like Nick Christowitz does. That’s why we brought him on board to provide you with a weekly dose of cathartic venting. If you hate it, he’ll point it out. If you don’t, you’re about to.

Hello! Below is a rant. I hope you all enjoy. And to all of you who have randomly approached me on a night out and told me how this shit makes you laugh, I sincerely thank you… because that’s the fucking point. To the few of you who still don’t get the point of all this… maybe private school was a waste of your parents’ money.

Nature

Nature doesn’t excite or impress me. There, I said it. I’m not sure why, but I’ve never been completely overcome by the beauty of nature, and I’ve been to some amazing places in my short little life. Mountain ranges, oceans, clouds, lion cubs sucking their mother’s tits; none of it gets me going. I only enjoy sunsets over cityscapes, and that’s because I’m more fascinated by man-made sights than those concocted in mother nature’s poitjie pot. Buildings, huge expanses of roads, subway systems, the paperclip, it all just makes me sticky in my briefs. I remember doing our annual holiday-season drive to Cape Town when I was very young and wondering, while staring out the window, what a monumental ballache it must have been for people to lay all of that tar, to erect all the telephone polls, to put up the countless kilometers of fencing. It blew my mind then and it still does to this day. I wasn’t staring out the window, wide-eyed, at cows shitting themselves or at rows upon rows of mountains. I know nature’s beauty is inherent in its power. I mean, mother nature reminds us how low her dick hangs every time she wipes Japan out with a tsunami. But to me, the things humans come up with to make nature more bearable are what I’d like to travel around the world to see. Not some hill formed by nothing more complex than the earth having a little lava queef.

Girls wearing Ed Hardy-style caps

I see girls like this every now and then. They’re usually posing in photos, one hand holding a smoke and a drink, the other is flipping you the bird, and their tongues seem to be trying to reach the bottom of their chin as if to invite your meat cucumber in for a spot of tonsil-snooker. Have some fucking class, girls. Who knew donning your favorite cap could expose your lack of a gag-reflex? I fucking did, that’s who.

Wasps

These little fuckers are proof that whoever created the world we live in was a callous bastard. They play an almost insignificant role in their ecosystem. 99% of them don’t pollinate plants like their equally annoying cousin the honey bee. They don’t help fertilize soil like the mighty earthworm. By nature they’re parasitic. Oh no, they don’t even feed on the host insect. They paralyze it, inject their eggs, and then just fuck off – cackling loudly I’m sure – leaving the host to suffer an Alien-esque death with baby wasps spewing from its abdomen. How evil is that? I’m surprised PETA hasn’t gotten all involved and extinguished all wasps for their cruelty towards other insects. I’m pretty sure the buzzing sound they make when they zoom around isn’t the result of their wings vibrating. I’m convinced it’s just them yelling “fuck youuuuuu” five thousand times per second. They’re like the tap-out-cap-wearing, MMA-watching douchebags of the insect world. In saying all of this, I have to come clean. The reason I’m so angry at these little cunts is because I was avoiding one that snuck into my room once and I ended up running straight into my door, resulting in a bloody nose and a lifelong hatred for an entire species. To be honest I didn’t research all of the above very well… but don’t worry, some rectum-faced doos hasn’t even read this far because he’s already googling it just to come back here and prove what a dickhead I really am. Well? I’m waiting.

When people greet me with “Aweh”

Aweh is the greetings equivalent of just rubbing shit in someone’s eyes… really slowly. It’s offensive to all of my senses. It offends my very soul. In fact, you could come up to me, stick your hand down the fun side of my pants and have a fiddle, and I’d be less offended. Stop breathing through your mouth and greet me with something awesome like “WHADDUUUUUPPP BOYCHIIIEEEEEEE”. Ok that was a joke. Don’t fucking do that.

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That’s me for today! I’m off to move into my new apartment. All this means is I’ll probably be ranting about moving next week. Anyways, Have a rad weekend! Keep it classy.