The Christowitz Report: Tighty Whities

by Nicholas Christowitz

It’s Friday. Let’s talk about this Woolworths shit.

Let me start by saying I haven’t researched this whole charade. I don’t see the point. What fun is the internet if everything is based on researched facts? I’ll base my opinion on my perception of Woolworths as a brand. A perception that has been cleverly sculpted by Woolworths over the years. 90% of the people engaging in the Woolworths discussion haven’t done any research either so why the fuck should I?!

Now, the story is a whole lot of whities are sad because Woolworths has employment equity policies. Something which just about every large South African business has to do to help “right the wrongs of our past”. I’m all for it, to be honest. I don’t agree with window-dressing and employing under-skilled people, but hell, if this can make a small difference, then let’s do it. Some morons have confused employment equity with BEE. I won’t even engage in that discussion because I’m not entirely sure these people can spell equity with their sticky boerewors fingers.

Let me just give my side of this: I remember being helped by deaf or disabled cashiers at Woolworths in Sandton. This gave me little warm fuzzies in my cold heart. How brilliant! Woolworths is helping save the rhinos. I really don’t care about rhinos but it still makes me feel good inside without having to take my pants off. Woolworths has the MySchool program. To be honest, I have no idea what the MySchool program is, but as long as it’s not a fund to aid in the furthering of the Mormon agenda, I’m all for whatever it stands for.

Don’t think I’m ignorant enough to assume that Woolworths does all these wonderful things out of the goodness of their mechanical, profit-pumping heart. They do this for good PR, for building a good brand image, and most importantly for a bit of a tax break, and I think that’s completely fine.

People leading the crusade against Woolworths seem to have forgotten all the good things Woolworths has done. They seem to have forgotten how good Woolworths steaks, which are bleached and sealed in a tray pumped full of carbon monoxide, look sitting all pink and happy on their shelves. A whole bunch of whities have thrown a little hissy fit from behind their laptop keyboards. They are teaching Woolworths a lesson with their credit cards. Which only results in northern suburbs housewives being forced into Spar, wearing hoodies and sunglasses until they spot one of their neighbours and they can talk about how well they’re doing in showing Woolworths who really has the money in this country.

All the while secretly hoping for this debacle to end so they can get their fill of rye bread and organic, slimmers choice, Danish feta.

It’s so pathetic. The country is still reeling from the Marikana massacre and here we have Steve fucking Hofmeyr publicly NOT buying his pampoen en sous-boontjies from Woolworths. Take a step back and imagine you’re a tourist visiting our beautiful country. Pretend you went onto News24 to see what’s happening. You’d have stories of dead miners and police next to stories of the angry white middle class. Some angry people have even called this whole thing reverse racism… REALLY!

Fuck.

I am privileged. I’m aware of how easy growing up was for me. If employment equity and the rest is what we have to do to ensure a privileged upbringing can be experienced by all of South Africa’s children, regardless of their race, then let’s do it. This may sound a bit contradictory, but let’s try balance the scales. If this still happens when everyone starts their working lives on an even playing field, THEN we have a problem. But for now… just deal with it.

Dear Woolworths, I wish I earned more money so I could buy double what I usually buy to help you through this time of need.

P.S. Don’t forget about Untamed Youth at Great Dane tonight. And Balkanology tomorrow night. WINNNNNNN!