The Onion Fixates On The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ New Genitals

While we’ll have to wait a while longer for it to arrive in local cinemas, the Michael Bay produced, Jonathan Liebesman directed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is out in the US and, oh man, the reviews are in too. One of the biggest complaints everyone seems to have about the film is how it’s trying to be both a “realistic” depiction of humanoid mutant ninjitsu-trained reptiles and a cartoonish, silly kid-friendly action movie. The Onion produced a video highlighting this problem by focusing on how the new movie’s designers focused on crafting enormous mutant turtle junk for its four CGI leads*.

As if we didn’t have enough discourse surrounding the Turtles’ junk. The new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie is being hailed as the worst thing to happen to the Heroes In A Half-Shell(s?) since they went to Feudal Japan, but I remember loving that movie as a kid so I’m sure all the 10-year-olds none of us hang out with anymore are gonna fucken love this. There’s also Megan Fox in there to help create a whole new generation of inter-species erotica enthusiasts. Good times!

My favorite bit of The Onion’s report is probably the bit about Michael Bay having sketched hundreds of turtle penis designs himself. <3

*We’re aware, just like you are, that The Onion is a satirical news site. We’re sure Michael Bay wanted to have those penises in there but yeah, we’re gonna stop talking and go throw up now.