When it comes to dating, there are two ways to approach things. There’s The Short Game and there’s The Long Game, and both can be more complex than they sound. I’m gonna attempt to break the two down for you with a tale of fucking-friends-gone-wrong.
Recently, two friends of mine were hooking up. Hooking up in the casual, “Hey, you’re nice.” ‘Yeah, you’re nice too.” “Wanna have sex?” “Yeah, go on…” kinda way. A level playing field. Both parties knew what they were getting, ahem, into. Both parties knew that although the sex was “nice” – not mind-blowingly good, not utterly orgasmic, but “nice” like a cup of tea and Marie Biscuit – a warm body to comfort yourself with once, maybe even twice, a week. And they could actually conduct a conversation past the “Wanna fuck” stage too.
Despite that, this hook-up was never-ever-no-way-nice-try-don’t-even-think-about-it going to develop into a relationship. Their playing cards were both clearly laid out on the table of their sexual interaction: they were playing The Short Game.
Another friend of mine (I like to think I have a few) recently taught me the politics of The Long Game versus The Short Game. She did this in a desperate attempt to hush my, “Why hasn’t yet another asshole replied to my texts??” cries. It’s horribly simple: The Long Game means you are looking for a relationship. Boys will woo girls with restaurant dates classier than McDees at 3am and girls will wear nice panties and shave their legs. Both parties indicate that they are primed for long-term shagging through the mating rituals of gesture and preening. When both parties are playing The Short Game they just want to fuck. Sure, there might be some form of dinner involved before hand. We’re not still in some Neanderthal stage (although I hear that a trip to Greenside on a Saturday night nowadays might prove me wrong). The Short Game dictates that there’s never any “Hey, let’s just, you know, spend the day together holding hands, gazing into each other’s eyes, giggling and shit.”
The Short Gamers
When both parties are on the same page game-wise, things will progress unhindered. Long-Gamers find themselves blissfully descending into love and Short-Gamers will have a few nice n’ easy hook-ups and then be on their merry (solo) ways. The tricky part is when you’re holding a full house and he’s all about the aces. That’s when assholes don’t reply to texts. That’s when things get messy. Another friend of mine (Yay! Validation!) was regularly hooking up with a guy she matched with on the app Tinder. Ah, Tinder, that glorious swipe-swipe-maybe-no-whatthefuckhashedonewithhiseyebrows-swipe-maybe-swipe mecca of all things blatantly sexual.
Takes the fun out of Greenside on a Saturday night, I tell you.
Their first date was lovely. Made up of all The Long Game good things: a bit of culture, a bit of food, lots of beer, some kissing in a dark corner and no-sex. “Ah! He respects me,” my friend thought, lulled into a false sense of security thanks to the lack of his need to get into her pants. A few more dates ensued, possibly even some sex. And then my friend reached That Stage. The stage where she was now ready to spend the day after the night before with him just, you know, being together. She warned me of her plan the night before. That she might, you know, not be available tomorrow because she might, you know, be spending the day with this dude. Maybe they’d have brunch, maybe they’d stroll through the park, maybe they’d turn his bed into a sex fortress and take a break from reality.
“Yay for you!” I said. “Enjoy!” I said. It broke my heart to discover that she returned home the next morning at the very respectful slash fucking early for a Saturday morning time of 8.30am. Apparently he had “things to do.” Man things like having his hair cut. My friend hasn’t seen or heard from The Dude since. It was suddenly blindingly obvious: he was playing The Short Game. But presenting The Long Game?
Tricky. Perhaps this one can be chalked up to the fact that they met on Tinder. I think it’s safe to assume that EVERYONE on Tinder’s a Short-Gamer. My friend too. She just hadn’t realized it yet. Short-Gamers, in order to avoid the confusion of Short versus Long gamers, I’ve drawn up a comprehensive (who am I kidding) list of How To Spot The Difference.
Long Gamers
Habitat: Independent coffee shops-cum-book stores; any cultural event: art galleries/theatre/spoken word gatherings; parks (preferably with adorable puppy-slash-kid in tow); elevators that miraculously break down when two gorgeous single strangers happen to be stuck inside; or any location that will make a good story for the grandkids one day.
Appearance: Trustworthy.
Likes: Conversation centered around getting to know you, making lasting memories together.
Dislikes: Talking about exes, anything you dislike.
Short Gamers
Habitat: Tinder
Appearance: Tinder
Likes: Tinder
Dislikes: Tinder
