My imagination is a sad, dark pit of despair. Porn and I have a strange relationship. Sometimes I write about how it’s awful and destructive, but there’s something about the fact that human beings make movies where people have sex with each other to entertain other humans that absolutely fascinates me. Call it a love-hate relationship. The sex aside though, there’s something else porn is pretty famous for. No, not the incredible mood-killing music. I’m talking about the stories! The recent slew of porn parodies that America has sent gushing out has especially caught my attention. I’ve only seen the Batman one – which carefully reconstructs the aesthetic, scripting and acting-style of the original 1960s Batman TV show – but I know they’ve made some dedicated to everyone from Superman to The Incredible Hulk (oh god, why!?). But superheroes are a bit played out in Hollywood. Me? I wanna see a return to other genres and styles of film-making. That got me thinking about what films would make good porn parodies. And that got us all here.
I’m so very sorry for what follows…
10. Grease
Seriously. This movie is incredibly ripe for the XXX porn parody treatment. I mean, it’s got a pretty balanced cast of guys and girls. And while the guys just go by the breezy 50s swagger name of “T-Birds”, the girls can stick with their current name, “The Pink Ladies”, and everyone can keep a straight O-face throughout this affair. The plot about a guy pretending he didn’t have sex with a girl over the summer, and that girl trying really hard to find some way to get him back into bed, is already the stuff of porno dreams, and you can basically just sub out every scene involving a song and dance routine with sex. For extra points, they should find porn stars who dreamed of being singers to play the lead roles, and incorporate some high notes into their performances. Just sayin’.
9. Highlander
Seriously? Seriously. So in the original Highlander, Duncan MacLeod has to hunt down other immortals like himself and chop off their heads because there can be only one. Imagine it’s that movie, but instead of him sword-fighting a bunch of dudes, well…sex happens. Plus: I’m pretty sure there’s good mileage in the idea of a bunch of folks avoiding la petite mort for hundreds of years.
8. Forrest Gump
Tell me you would not watch a movie where Forrest Hump meanders through American history, schtupping pivotal historical figures? Tell me!!!!
Life is like a box of chocolates.
7. Fast Five (or Fast & Furious)
I… can’t even explain. I just can’t.
And Google SafeSearch iiiis... OFF!
6. The Matrix
The fact that a movie about a bunch of leather fetishists running around in secret, shooting at everything and then plugging into a machine that allows their fantasies to become reality hasn’t been made into a porn parody yet is obviously some kind of crime against humanity and logic. And then the hero gets saved by the power of love!
5. The Breakfast Club
They’re an ensemble cast. They’re alone all day in the library. The one dude’s name is Bender. ‘Nuff Said.
4. American Pie
Too obvious? It’s got all the right elements and the perfect setup. All it needed was to go all the way.
3. Fight Club
I realize there are a lot of sweaty men in this movie, but pretend for a moment that Edward Norton and Brad Pitt were the only guys in this, and it’s a movie that opens with a man having his face shoved between a pair of breasts. If that’s not your speed, it’s the perfect gay porno waiting to happen. No shoes. No shirts. And you can’t tell anyone about Fight Club.
2. X-Men
Ok. Maybe there is one superhero movie still begging for a porn parody. Not only is the name just too damn obvious, but there’s also the hugely diverse cast, covering various age and racial target demographics! And, like The Matrix, it’s got your leather fetishists covered too. Not to mention there’s a dude who has the power to pop phallic symbols out of his fists. This movie is asking for it. I have no idea what kind of awful fetish Beast covers, but I’m sure there is one.
1. High Fidelity
Look, I’m an enormous fan of this movie (and the book that spawned it), and even I know it would be the perfect porn movie. The story? A deadbeat music-lover gets dumped by his girlfriend and decides to revisit his five greatest exes to see where it all went wrong. Make that movie, but with sex, and you have a surefire hit. Throw some great tunes in there and you’re even better off. Do it!
Nas Hoosen